Things were pretty rough last week. I was very nervous about a plethora of things: graduation and having all of my requirements, my internship, and as always the various aspects of my personal life. But most everything is cleared up now. I finally got to talk to the internship coordinator. Just thinking about talking to her was enough to send me into an almost panic attack. But she was actually very nice and supportive. She told me that I am a very charming and bright young lady, and that I should not have a problem getting an internship. But I have to apply to at least 10 internships, which will be the most applications I've ever had to do. (Remember: I only applied to one college....Oneonta. And my last two jobs did not require that I apply, I was actually asked to take the jobs.) So applying scares the crap out of me. I think I'll be ok though.
I've been playing catch up in all of my classes since before break, but I finally feel like I'm getting a good hold on things now. You can tell I've been stressed and busy, cause I started a blog post once last week and once the week before that, but just didn't have the energy or time to think about writing, so I never finished them or posted them. I just really need to keep cracking down, study a lot more than I do and get shit done!
I think I've also been so wrapped up in trying to spend time and hang out with everyone that I neglect some parts of my life...like school work, and showering. haha. But my eyes have been opened, and I see the people that are worth spending time with and that wanna spend time with me too. And those are the ones that will keep in touch after I leave, and that I will miss the most. I can't be in everyplace with everyone at once, so I need to relax and enjoy the people that want to be around me, not the people that I think I need to spend time with before I graduate. If they want to hang out with me they will put in the effort too.
I went with Rachel and Caitlin to Jenn's in Syracuse this past Friday. It was a lot of fun to just sit around and bs about stuff...and take a bajillion crazy pics with Jenn's mac. Then Rach and I came back to O-town, I tried unsuccessfully to get some work done, and then decided to spend the rest of the night winding down with Rachel, Jared, and Jared's friend Adam watching The Eternal Sunshine of the Spotless Mind. Rachel and Jared both got very angry with this movie. haha. The next morning/afternoon I went to b-fast/lunch with Rachel at Wilsbach. I thought it would feel weird being there again, but I actually saw a ton of seniors in there and other people I knew; fyi the kid from my highschool that used to be in love with me still works there. But it was a whole ton of fun. Then I got a bunch of work done, and went home at 9pm. Izzy came over and cooked me some AMAZING food.
I also got my truck back...my Dad took it for a bit to try to fix it. And (knock-on-wood) it is running great right now. =]
And now I'm off to have some coffee with my darling, Rachel. <3
I'll post again real soon.
March 23, 2009
March 2, 2009
Basically 2 more months...
Wow, I have so much work to catch up on. Pretty much all for Graphic Publication & Design. I like working with that stuff though, but it is just very time consuming. oh well, I have to get it done at some point, I just have to keep chugging along. Plus I still haven't applied for internships...I know it's because I'm very unmotivated about graduating. I'm actually excited to graduate, but still unsure of the 'real world'. I know I just have to get my shit together and do it though.
On a kind of downside, I was sick for most of my winter break last week, and cooped up at home the whole time. I love being home, but after awhile I got a little bit of cabin fever. I'm getting better slowly, but now my Dad is sick. Poor guy, can't catch a break. =/ I have also decided that I do very stupid things when I drink, and that while still being sick, I probably won't be drinking for a little while. But it's for the best, so oh well. I'll save some money, maybe loose some weight, get a little healthier, and what not. Overall I think it's a good decision. This doesn't mean that I'm not gonna go out though, I'll still be ramming around all the time. You just won't see me with a beer in my hand, and hopefully that means I won't wake up the next day regretting texting the people I do.
The rest of the semester is going to be pretty busy too. I have NACA this weekend with Adam and Rachel. It should be a good time, and I'm really excited. Plus, Rachel is my roomie at the hotel! YAY! I'm working alot of nights this month too. More so than I expected, on top of my usual 8-10am mornings. But I think April and May are going to be the most intense for me. The 18th I have our class show at the Chesnut Theater for my Concert Production class. The next weekend is OH-Fest 4 and the weekend after that is HeadyFest5, plus I might be going to Cortland sometime that weekend. Maybe, if I can manage it. And then it's finals week and then graduation. Yikes. It will be over before I know it. wow.
On a kind of downside, I was sick for most of my winter break last week, and cooped up at home the whole time. I love being home, but after awhile I got a little bit of cabin fever. I'm getting better slowly, but now my Dad is sick. Poor guy, can't catch a break. =/ I have also decided that I do very stupid things when I drink, and that while still being sick, I probably won't be drinking for a little while. But it's for the best, so oh well. I'll save some money, maybe loose some weight, get a little healthier, and what not. Overall I think it's a good decision. This doesn't mean that I'm not gonna go out though, I'll still be ramming around all the time. You just won't see me with a beer in my hand, and hopefully that means I won't wake up the next day regretting texting the people I do.
The rest of the semester is going to be pretty busy too. I have NACA this weekend with Adam and Rachel. It should be a good time, and I'm really excited. Plus, Rachel is my roomie at the hotel! YAY! I'm working alot of nights this month too. More so than I expected, on top of my usual 8-10am mornings. But I think April and May are going to be the most intense for me. The 18th I have our class show at the Chesnut Theater for my Concert Production class. The next weekend is OH-Fest 4 and the weekend after that is HeadyFest5, plus I might be going to Cortland sometime that weekend. Maybe, if I can manage it. And then it's finals week and then graduation. Yikes. It will be over before I know it. wow.
February 24, 2009
Waterfalls
Blah. I currently am feeling under the weather, and seem to have caught some sort of cold/sickness/inability to breathe through my right nostril bug. It's really no fun at all, and it's making me feel weak, which I do not need right now.
Last Wednesday, I went with Cait and my mom to John's funeral and I can honestly say that is probably the hardest thing that I have had to face in my life thus far. All I wanted to do was stay by his side and not leave. I just wanted to hold him again and know that he was ok. It was quite fitting though that an All-American Rejects song was playing when I walked in. That was the first show we ever went to together and I had so much fun with him. In fact, not once did I ever have a bad time when I was with John. He always made me feel so special and was there with me through so much. I had written John a letter while I was in one of my classes, and the first time I went up to the casket I couldn't put it in. It was almost like that little thing was going to change something or make it all go away. At the end of the funeral I went back up and placed it in his hand with some of the other cards and things people had given him. It was so hard and I still feel the pain of it every minute of the day and I know I will feel that way for quite sometime. I broke down so much when I hugged his best friend, Jeff. We all worked together at McD's and he was one of the few people that meant something to me when I left that place. We all had some pretty great times together. They still haven't really gone through any of John's things yet, but I asked his cousin, Tracey, if there would be any way I would be able to get the flask back that I had had his nickname ingraved on for his birthday. There are many things of John's that I have a connection to, like the Every Time I Die tour dvd, it was the last thing we did together and of course it would mean something to me to have it. But I'm having a hard time separating John's things from John, which I expect is normal when you lose someone. I know that having those things won't change anything, and that his things are not him. It just serves as a way for me to not feel so much like I've lost him yet, although I know I have. I still feel him with me, and I will keep that feeling with me always.
Let the ones you love know how much you love them while you have the chance.
On another note, I went to dinner with my parents, sister, and her bf, to my grandmother's(my dad's mom) house. It was the second time I had seen her since my uncle's funeral, and it's been good to reconnect with her. The best part is seeing my dad reconnect with her. It is enough to bring tears to my eyes...which happens alot lately. It makes me sad to think how lonely she must be in that apartment though. And it makes me really sad to think that most of the time she has to eat microwave meals that she doesn't like, cause she can't stand long enough to cook real food and she lives alone. This has to be one of the most depressing thoughts in the world. I wish that I could do more for her, but I am broke and do not have proper transportation. The thought of old people in this state in general is enough to make me breakdown crying. It is one of my greatest fears, that someday I might be that alone and unable to do things.
I also found out that my ex-bf(Justin)'s sister, Desi, used to be my grandmother's housekeeper, and that she apparently dated my cousin. Weird. What is even weirder is that Justin's youngest sister Cassey is apparently married to my Aunt's bf's son. I think that almost makes us cousins? yikes.
Anyway, I've been a waterfall of emotions lately...it just keeps coming(I'm even crying right now lol). And I know that things are not even close to being calmed down for the rest of the semester. I just have to push through and pray that the people I have to lean on don't get sick of helping hold me up. I love you all so much and hope you know that. And if any of you EVER need anything from me, please let me know, cause I'm there for you to lean on too.
Congrats to Izzy and the slam team for getting 2nd at Regionals! <3
Last Wednesday, I went with Cait and my mom to John's funeral and I can honestly say that is probably the hardest thing that I have had to face in my life thus far. All I wanted to do was stay by his side and not leave. I just wanted to hold him again and know that he was ok. It was quite fitting though that an All-American Rejects song was playing when I walked in. That was the first show we ever went to together and I had so much fun with him. In fact, not once did I ever have a bad time when I was with John. He always made me feel so special and was there with me through so much. I had written John a letter while I was in one of my classes, and the first time I went up to the casket I couldn't put it in. It was almost like that little thing was going to change something or make it all go away. At the end of the funeral I went back up and placed it in his hand with some of the other cards and things people had given him. It was so hard and I still feel the pain of it every minute of the day and I know I will feel that way for quite sometime. I broke down so much when I hugged his best friend, Jeff. We all worked together at McD's and he was one of the few people that meant something to me when I left that place. We all had some pretty great times together. They still haven't really gone through any of John's things yet, but I asked his cousin, Tracey, if there would be any way I would be able to get the flask back that I had had his nickname ingraved on for his birthday. There are many things of John's that I have a connection to, like the Every Time I Die tour dvd, it was the last thing we did together and of course it would mean something to me to have it. But I'm having a hard time separating John's things from John, which I expect is normal when you lose someone. I know that having those things won't change anything, and that his things are not him. It just serves as a way for me to not feel so much like I've lost him yet, although I know I have. I still feel him with me, and I will keep that feeling with me always.
Let the ones you love know how much you love them while you have the chance.
On another note, I went to dinner with my parents, sister, and her bf, to my grandmother's(my dad's mom) house. It was the second time I had seen her since my uncle's funeral, and it's been good to reconnect with her. The best part is seeing my dad reconnect with her. It is enough to bring tears to my eyes...which happens alot lately. It makes me sad to think how lonely she must be in that apartment though. And it makes me really sad to think that most of the time she has to eat microwave meals that she doesn't like, cause she can't stand long enough to cook real food and she lives alone. This has to be one of the most depressing thoughts in the world. I wish that I could do more for her, but I am broke and do not have proper transportation. The thought of old people in this state in general is enough to make me breakdown crying. It is one of my greatest fears, that someday I might be that alone and unable to do things.
I also found out that my ex-bf(Justin)'s sister, Desi, used to be my grandmother's housekeeper, and that she apparently dated my cousin. Weird. What is even weirder is that Justin's youngest sister Cassey is apparently married to my Aunt's bf's son. I think that almost makes us cousins? yikes.
Anyway, I've been a waterfall of emotions lately...it just keeps coming(I'm even crying right now lol). And I know that things are not even close to being calmed down for the rest of the semester. I just have to push through and pray that the people I have to lean on don't get sick of helping hold me up. I love you all so much and hope you know that. And if any of you EVER need anything from me, please let me know, cause I'm there for you to lean on too.
Congrats to Izzy and the slam team for getting 2nd at Regionals! <3
February 15, 2009
Johnny "BestDude" Miller
I'm feeling very numb right now. I had one of the best/worst Valentine's Days ever. I lost one of my closest friends yesterday. John Miller was probably one of the sweetest guys I've ever met in my life. I don't think I've fully grasped the idea yet that he is gone. I can't come up with enough words to say how much that kid meant to me. He would have gone to the ends of the earth to make sure his friends were ok and know how much they meant to him. He was one of the few people that would laugh at my dumb jokes and listen to all of my boring stories. He would be my body guard at shows and make sure I didn't get pushed around too much. I remember while waiting in line to see The All-American Rejects we played a little game we liked to call "Guy or Girl?".....hey, sometimes you have to entertain yourselves and when you wear some of the things that emo kids wear, you might be asking for it/not able to tell what gender you are. We had alot of great times that I hope I will never ever forget. I feel blessed to have known such a wonderful guy and wish that I could have done as much for him as he did for me.
Johnny, I'm sure you are in Heaven rippin it up with your Dad and Dimebag. I love you and I'll miss you, BestDude. <3>
The good part of yesterday came in the form of my dinner with Izzy, Matt, and Courtney. The food at the Autumn was so delicious and we all had a great time chatting. Then we went back to the guys place and Izzy and I watched an episode of Always Sunny, cause he downloaded it for me. He also gave me two boxes of chocolate and a handmade card, with a picture of us drawn on the front. It was so sweet and cute. He also let me cry all over him. What a great guy. I'm very fortunate to have him in my life.
I also have such a great support system of friends and I don't know what I would do without them. I love you all so much. Forever and Always.
February 13, 2009
more than i could ask for
Today isn't over yet but so far it has been a very odd and strangely beautiful day. I was surprised at work by a friend that I hadn't seen in a year and had very mixed feelings on seeing him, but it was still nice to visit with him for a couple of minutes. Then I skipped my class...MGMT...ugh...so boring. I'm over that class for sure. So I went to Mills and had lunch with Cait, Izzy, Kyle, MacCracken, and Jillian. It was fun as always. Then I went to visit my maintenance friends in Blodgett, which is always a good time too. Lynda and Lisa are just like extra moms I have on campus when I need someone to chat with or someone to make me cookies. hehe.
This is the part where my day becomes beautiful. I say beautiful because there really isn't an emotion or feeling that I can use to discribe it. Izzy called me and asked me to meet him in the Fine Arts building, so I went. He was in one of the piano practice rooms and he sat me down and started playing Jack Johnson's song, All At Once, which is the song that usually plays on my alarm clock when we wake up in the morning if he stays over. Of couse I immediately started to cry. No guy has ever taken the time to do anything like this for me. He also played me "I swear" by All-4-One and "All my life" by KC & Jojo. It was beautiful and I cried...tears of joy. This was by far the best Valentine's Day gift I've ever had. He treats me so well and is definitely more than I could ask for. We are going on a double date with Matt and Courtney tomorrow and I am really excited.
Ok...I guess I have to get my head out of the clouds now and get back to finishing my work. *sigh*
Happy Valentine's Day to all of the loves of my life. <3
This is the part where my day becomes beautiful. I say beautiful because there really isn't an emotion or feeling that I can use to discribe it. Izzy called me and asked me to meet him in the Fine Arts building, so I went. He was in one of the piano practice rooms and he sat me down and started playing Jack Johnson's song, All At Once, which is the song that usually plays on my alarm clock when we wake up in the morning if he stays over. Of couse I immediately started to cry. No guy has ever taken the time to do anything like this for me. He also played me "I swear" by All-4-One and "All my life" by KC & Jojo. It was beautiful and I cried...tears of joy. This was by far the best Valentine's Day gift I've ever had. He treats me so well and is definitely more than I could ask for. We are going on a double date with Matt and Courtney tomorrow and I am really excited.
Ok...I guess I have to get my head out of the clouds now and get back to finishing my work. *sigh*
Happy Valentine's Day to all of the loves of my life. <3
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