Waterfalls

Blah. I currently am feeling under the weather, and seem to have caught some sort of cold/sickness/inability to breathe through my right nostril bug. It's really no fun at all, and it's making me feel weak, which I do not need right now.

Last Wednesday, I went with Cait and my mom to John's funeral and I can honestly say that is probably the hardest thing that I have had to face in my life thus far. All I wanted to do was stay by his side and not leave. I just wanted to hold him again and know that he was ok. It was quite fitting though that an All-American Rejects song was playing when I walked in. That was the first show we ever went to together and I had so much fun with him. In fact, not once did I ever have a bad time when I was with John. He always made me feel so special and was there with me through so much. I had written John a letter while I was in one of my classes, and the first time I went up to the casket I couldn't put it in. It was almost like that little thing was going to change something or make it all go away. At the end of the funeral I went back up and placed it in his hand with some of the other cards and things people had given him. It was so hard and I still feel the pain of it every minute of the day and I know I will feel that way for quite sometime. I broke down so much when I hugged his best friend, Jeff. We all worked together at McD's and he was one of the few people that meant something to me when I left that place. We all had some pretty great times together. They still haven't really gone through any of John's things yet, but I asked his cousin, Tracey, if there would be any way I would be able to get the flask back that I had had his nickname ingraved on for his birthday. There are many things of John's that I have a connection to, like the Every Time I Die tour dvd, it was the last thing we did together and of course it would mean something to me to have it. But I'm having a hard time separating John's things from John, which I expect is normal when you lose someone. I know that having those things won't change anything, and that his things are not him. It just serves as a way for me to not feel so much like I've lost him yet, although I know I have. I still feel him with me, and I will keep that feeling with me always.

Let the ones you love know how much you love them while you have the chance.

On another note, I went to dinner with my parents, sister, and her bf, to my grandmother's(my dad's mom) house. It was the second time I had seen her since my uncle's funeral, and it's been good to reconnect with her. The best part is seeing my dad reconnect with her. It is enough to bring tears to my eyes...which happens alot lately. It makes me sad to think how lonely she must be in that apartment though. And it makes me really sad to think that most of the time she has to eat microwave meals that she doesn't like, cause she can't stand long enough to cook real food and she lives alone. This has to be one of the most depressing thoughts in the world. I wish that I could do more for her, but I am broke and do not have proper transportation. The thought of old people in this state in general is enough to make me breakdown crying. It is one of my greatest fears, that someday I might be that alone and unable to do things.

I also found out that my ex-bf(Justin)'s sister, Desi, used to be my grandmother's housekeeper, and that she apparently dated my cousin. Weird. What is even weirder is that Justin's youngest sister Cassey is apparently married to my Aunt's bf's son. I think that almost makes us cousins? yikes.

Anyway, I've been a waterfall of emotions lately...it just keeps coming(I'm even crying right now lol). And I know that things are not even close to being calmed down for the rest of the semester. I just have to push through and pray that the people I have to lean on don't get sick of helping hold me up. I love you all so much and hope you know that. And if any of you EVER need anything from me, please let me know, cause I'm there for you to lean on too.

Congrats to Izzy and the slam team for getting 2nd at Regionals! <3